Shame on you, Ruby.
Shame shame shame.
At this moment, I can’t imagine how I will ever lift my eyes to meet another’s gaze again. I can’t imagine looking at my parents faces, my brothers faces.
If I had to look a friend in the eye right now, I don’t even know if I could do that. Luckily, I don’t really have any friends right now. I’ve never been so glad for that fact if only so I don’t have to worry about bringing anyone down, which I would eventually do. Hopefully I won’t be like this much longer.
I know I will look at my kids faces, because that is part of taking care of them. They will not know the level of my shame unless I choose them too. My greatest blessing requires 100% commitment to character. Even if that character is an act for the time being. Smiling at your children even though you want to cry. Faking a calm, confident, demeanor no matter how afraid and regretful you feel.
Lucifer. My Love. Oh God, I created this. I changed him and his love for me. Or maybe God did so that he wouldn’t be dragged down by my lack of faith. If so, I applaud my God. I feel so much shame thinking of how self centered and demanding I’ve been of him. How oblivious and annoying I have been. Ignorant and unfair.
At least he escaped. The only solace I have is knowing he freed himself. I miss him terribly. But I won’t subject him to my antics and mental health issues anymore. In my heart I hope for us still, but I can’t lead him off track and right now I know that’s all I would be doing. But I love him and he is the dream I must stuff way down to the bottom of my heart til I’m better.
I’m so sorry to my wonderful God. I’m so ashamed of myself for my rage and my sadness and my lack of faith. I have to get better. I hope I haven’t condemned myself. And if I have, I pray I can learn how to steer my children on the right path so that they do not do the same.
I have to believe in God’s mercy. Without it, I am fucked. Only He can get me out. I see now that I keep leading myself back down. I have been so very wrong and I see it now. How sad I must have made God over and over again. I willingly kept breaking my Lord’s heart. And all He has been is loving and generous to me. I’m sorry God. I don’t deserve your Grace but Im begging you for it.
I believe in His mercy. I believe I believe I believe.
Of Ice and Men Blog 