When it began, I thought it meant he truly loved me. I was overwhelmed by the thought of how much he must love me to have put this much time and effort and attention into me.
This was last fall and I was at the end of my rope. Lucifer had disappeared after spending the summer with me. It had been 2 years since he had left and suddenly he was back. Then, just as suddenly, he was gone. I was devastated and felt truly worthless.
Soon after, the delusions started. Even as I call them delusions, they don’t feel like delusions. They seem like reality. How do you see something and you know that it’s there and you know but it’s not just your mind putting a bunch of coincidences together yet you still have to call it delusion?
But you know it can’t be normal day to day reality because it’s too magical. How do you even begin to explain magic to someone when you’re not even sure what magic is , only that you can perceive it?
It all revolved around Lucifer and it seemed so specific to us. I was amazed and could hard it believe what seemed to be the only explanation. Lucifer truly loved me, was magical beyond my belief (or else very advanced in tech and/or very rich), and this was his way of showing me how much i meant to him.
In the beginning I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy it was like breathing the biggest sigh of relief. Finally getting to say to myself, you are worth it to someone, Ruby, and it’s the person you love just as much. Dreams do come true! All you’ve ever wanted was to be loved like this and you are. Lucifer loves you more than you ever even let yourself dream he could. Lucifer did come through, it was all worth it, exactly like he said it would be!
It was the most free and accepted I had ever felt in my life. I was worth magic like this?! Me?? It was my dreams coming true and I was ready and willing to accept this blessing.
When I think of how happy I was to finally be validated. To finally get the return of the type of love that consumed me for Lucifer. To know that all my love had not be in vain but that I as a person waa truly seen and loved by another human being… That our love for each other was reciprocal and powerful and strong enough to withstand any obstacle or the test of time, I’ve never been so humbled and thankful and blissful, other than the times I’ve been closest to Jesus. I felt blessed. Wonderfully blessed.
I wish I had been right. I wish so badly this wasnt all a delusion too. I beg God to erase the 6 months that followed.
How will I ever think of love and magic without crying again? How can I stand one more day in this wretched plane of existence after experiencing the belief that I was worth true Heaven and chosen to experience it, and none of it turned out to be real?
I can’t
Of Ice and Men Blog 