I try not to let myself remember the good times with dope, but occasionally, I just have to get it over with and let the thoughts play themselves out.
What I Miss About Doing Ice:
- Being skinny – This one gets to me on the daily. After I quit drugs, I gained a lot of weight. Now, to be real, I still look good. I’m not obese by any means, but I am curvy now. I have a big booty and thick thighs. Most people will say I look better now, and they are right. But God, I do miss putting on a size 00 pencil skirt and not feeling self conscious one bit. Or putting on any pair of thigh high stockings and them not be digging into my fat, cutting off circulation to my legs.
- Not feeling like a failure – Now don’t get me wrong, I was very much failing at life while I was in active addiction. But I didn’t FEEL like I was. I felt like I was doing great. When you’re a meth addict, you either feel great cause you’re on meth, or you’re in the crash because you’re not on meth. Not a lot of time there to have authentic feelings about anything and certainly not enough time to truly take an inventory of how everything in my life was crashing down around my because of the drugs.
- Deep cleaning – Not only does meth make you want to clean and organize shit, when you quit meth, it takes away any natural ambition you have to do anything. This typically gets better after your first year clean. But as someone going on 4 years, I can tell you that the joyous feeling of focus on cleaning that you had in your meth days will never, ever be present for you again. I clean now, cause I have to of course, but it’s back to being a chore, not a fun journey like before. Seriously I don’t think my house has had a true deep cleaning since my meth days.
- The chase – Doing meth feels wonderful, but the adrenaline rush that you get after you have been searching for dope and finally have it, that’s almost as good as the drug itself. Once you see that little bag of shards, you can pretty much feel the meth before you even do it. Squeezing the bag to gently break up the shards, cutting a straw to delicately lift the shards out one by one and drop them into your pipe, coating the bowl before you take that first hit, pure ecstasy.
- Extra time – Once you don’t have to sleep anymore, you are immediately adding 8 hours to your day. Factor in the time you take to get ready for bed and then get ready again in the morning, as well as the time you lay there trying to get to sleep, as well as the time you lay in bed hitting the snooze button, well it’s really more like 10 hours that your sleeping routine takes our of your day. Get rid of sleep, you increase your time by a 3rd at least. I miss having that extra time to work and focus and clean. And it was never boring, there is always a way to be entertained on meth. The truth here, that I realize in Sobriety, is that ‘the crash’ negates that extra time. Yes you got four extra nights out of your week. Doesn’t help if you’re knocked out the next 3 days. Also, take into account how much longer it takes you to complete a task on meth, you really lost time, not gained it. It doesn’t feel like that when you’re on the dope though.
But thankfully, as usual, by the time I let myself start reminiscing about the “good ol’ days”, I can’t help but automatically remember the much worse truth of being addicted to meth.
What I don’t miss about doing ice: (no explanations needed)
- I was a failure
- I was neglecting my children
- Losing my job because of the crash
- Seeing my boyfriend become a maniac when we were out of drugs
- Selling things that were important to me to get money for drugs
- Breaking my family’s heart
- Not showering for a week at a time (forgetting to brush teeth also)
- Risking a felony
- Trading my body for drugs
- Being a belligerent psycho if I got pissed
- That I was killing myself. I don’t miss killing myself.
All in all, I know I am very lucky to have my addiction under control, even if I’m always going to miss those temporary good times, that lead to so many long term bad times.
Don’t do drugs, kids. They never really let you go, not really.