Of Ice and a Woman (part 2): Sobriety Looks Good on You, Girl!!

“Hey Bestie, just wanted to tell u bc I knew u would be proud, I’ve been off my extracurricular activities for a month now. U know, aside from drinking and the green. And knowing u went through it and conquered it is why I keep faith I can hopefully be like u one day.”

This is how my best friend told me she has finally quit meth.

If you’ve read Of Ice and a Woman: Giving Up My Best Friend For Sobriety, you remember that Diana is the most stubborn addict I know. My best friend rarely has a freak out, or a vulnerable moment. Diana is and has always been cool as a cucumber. It’s for that very reason that I thought she would never quit meth. As sad as this is to say, up until 6 days ago when I received the above text, I thought Diana would die from her addiction. When a person never reaches that freak out point or loses the important things in their life, why would they ever stop?

methnomore

Getting that text was like a Christmas miracle! My best friend took it upon herself to try to quit meth. On Friday, she sent me a pic of herself, she looks like she has gained about 10 lbs, 8 of them in her face. She says she is struggling with the weight gain the hardest.

Diana was bulimic all through high school. She says that she hasn’t had to throw up her food since starting meth (probably because you’re only eating 2 bites every 5 days) and now that she quit, she feels the urge to purge but is trying really hard not to. I tell her to embrace her new junk in the trunk, the boys will not mind, but I know that is easier said than done. One of the biggest reasons I would love to get back on meth is to get skinny again. It’s not easy going from a size 00 to a size 9 over the course of 4 months. Especially when you’ve never been larger than a size 5 unless you were pregnant.

junkintrunk

I’m not stupid, I know it’s very likely Diana won’t make it through quitting and will end up using again but right now, I feel exhilarated. I will get to start seeing my best friend again! I can see my best friend again!!!

Diana shoots meth too, something that I never did. I’ve never known anyone who shoots meth to quit without professional help, but if anyone can do it, Diana can. I texted her yesterday and told her I know this is way harder for her than it ever was for me and that I’m so proud of her (she shoots it, I only smoked and ate it. I was in active meth addiction for 2 years, she has been in it for almost 10).  This is her response:

“Thank you for the encouragement. Just know u might think it’s harder for me but if it wasn’t for me thinking every morning (of the) shit storm u conquered, I wouldn’t have made it a week.”

Diana doesn’t throw out frivolous compliments unless she really doesn’t like you. She doesn’t sugar coat shit (she’s a horrible sales person). So for her to tell me that I was her inspiration and her role model in this, it’s almost too much for me to bear. You remember how the Grinch’s heart grew 3 sizes when he found the true meaning of Christmas, that’s how I feel right now. I inspired my friend. I helped her want to live. And honestly, the only way I think it worked is because I was down in the trenches with her before I lost everything and had to claw my way out. I think Diana saw me claw my way out, and being her Diana self, has to prove to herself that if I can do it, then she can do it, and she can do it better. If history is a good indicator, she’s probably right.

jkhide

If God had said to me, before all this began, “You can save your friend, but it will cost you everything dear in your life”, would I have taken the challenge? If He had said, “Ruby you can save Diana but you will lose custody of your children and you will hurt everyone else you love in the process. You will lose your home and your car and your job, you will lose all dignity and self respect. And you will never get it all back afterwards,” would I have still done it? If God has said you can save her, but forever you will have an addiction that makes you desperately crave a substance that kills you, would I do it? No, I don’t think I would have. I love my children so much and miss them constantly. How could I have said yes?

I don’t think that’s what happened. God didn’t choose meth for me, I did. He didn’t choose my consequences, except to maybe help make them not as bad as they could have been. But he took my ‘shit storm,’ as dear Diana called it, and used it to inspire someone else. Someone so damn stubborn, she would only chase sobriety by her own choice, not ever because someone is pushing her to chase it. For almost 4 years I have felt guilty for leaving Diana behind for my own sobriety. I always knew it was the right choice, the only choice really once my kids were taken, but I still felt guilty when I thought of her. Never realized that she was watching me from afar, and something inside her was changing. I think she has wanted to quit for a lot longer than she will admit, she just had to see that it was possible before she tried.

blondered

I feel my dreams getting bigger and bigger with this Christmas blessing. Diana and I starting a non profit to help women through abuse and addiction, Diana and I writing a book to chronicle our stories so that maybe someone else can learn from our mistakes, Diana and I working with younger girls to show them how important it is to stay on the good path. Probably won’t ever happen, but I don’t know how to dream small.

dance withher soul

 

 

 

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