Some days, like this one, all I want to do is relapse.
You read that right, I WANT to relapse.
If you’re fresh in your recovery, you may want to skip over this particular blog post. If you’ve been in recovery for some time, maybe you can comment with some advice for me right now.
I follow several addiction recovery groups. I see and like the constant memes and heartfelt posts telling newcomers how much better everything gets. I’ve told people this and even posted it in my blogs.
But it’s bullshit. Nothing gets better, you just accept and get used to it.
The past few weeks have been the hardest in my recovery since the beginning. I haven’t felt the urge to relapse this strongly before and it’s been scaring me. Being in recovery for over 3 years, I am fully aware of how the cravings come and go in waves. The want to do drugs is ALWAYS there but the strength of it ebbs and flows. Lately, it’s a fucking tidal wave.
I think it has a lot to do with my kids right now. (I feel like a terrible mother saying my kids are making me want to relapse but then again I was already given the title of terrible mother when I failed that first drug test so fuck it) My daughter is now almost 13 and her personality has changed from this shy, obedient, loving, autistic angel to this angry, salty, hormonal, autistic monster with bigger boobs than me. She’s decided this summer that she can’t stand me and that she must answer every question I ask with “WHATEVER MOM!”
I thought this would be the summer we could convince their dad that I have been clean long enough to have my kids back living with me. Turns out, my kids don’t want to live with me, they want to stay with their dad. I love my kids and want to go with whatever choice they want to make but THIS WAS THE WHOLE REASON I HAVE STAYED OFF METH AND COKE. For 3 years and 3 months I have told myself each minute that if I stayed clean, I would get them back. I just have to stay clean stay clean stay clean. Now, the reality hits. What if they never want to come back? And the even scarier, whats my reason to stay clean once they grow up?
Last week I took off work to spend the day with them. The day before I took off, I was trying to think of fun things to do and found myself contemplating getting meth. It’s funny how drugs sneak into your thoughts and take over. My thought process went something like this:
Maybe the movies?… no they hate the movies… maybe an arcade? Maybe I could take them swimming in the lake…. maybe I could ask some friends to go….. I should ask Diana (my best friend that I haven’t seen in 2 years bc she still does meth) and Ethan (her son)…. maybe I could do a little bit of meth first…. yea, yea, then I’d have so much more energy and I would be happy…..I need to be happy and full of energy for us to have a good time…. we’ll go to Diana’s, kids can play video games and we’ll get high, then we can go to the lake….Since I’ll be high I’ll have more money to spend on them since I won’t need food…. I’ll have to smoke a little more that night and just stay up through the night so I can work the next day…. maybe we should bring a bag of clothes down to Diana’s so we can stay the night if necessary….. no one will know if it’s just this once……this is a perfect plan!
Once I realized I was thinking that way, I immediately laughed and shook it off but it alarmed me how deep I was into that train of though and how my thoughts were suggesting to me I would be able to spend more quality time with them if I did just a little bit.
And no one would ever know if I did a little, just this once….
We ended up going to the arcade. No meth. No Diana, no sleepless night. Stay the course, Ruby.
Lucifer, my boyfriend, hasn’t beat me in a few weeks but cheated on me 6 weeks ago and today I found out he has been using my work credit card when I’m asleep without my knowledge. He also took all the money from my purse this morning. My boss just came to me when I got into work asking what all these charges are on my card. At the time, I didn’t know but after a little research, I realized it was Lucifer. And I was right, he doesn’t even deny it. Just says sorry like I’m not about to get fired from the job I love. He also informed me he’s done with me, and keeping my car. I have not one dollar to my name right now.
I want to relapse.
This was all so pointless.