The BIPP Chronicles: Can Abusers Stop Abusing? (Day 1)

Last night, Lucifer went to orientation for a BIPP (Battering Intervention & Prevention Program). From what I have read, this is really the only option commonly known for helping an abuser who wants to change. BIPP’s are the programs that the courts will sometimes send people convicted of domestic violence to as part of their rehabilitation but you can also enter these voluntarily. From what Lucifer tells me, he was the only person in orientation that wasn’t required to be there.

I have been in a violent relationship for over 3 years. This is honestly, the first tangible step I have seen my man take to stop physically and mentally abusing me. Last year, during mine and Lucifer’s 6 month break up, I went to a shelter for counseling. They were wonderfully supportive to me. When he was trying to get back together with me, I begged him to go to the BIPP offered there. Lucifer refused, saying I had already filled their head with my side of the story and he wanted to go somewhere I hadn’t been first.

It’s been 8 months since then and finally, he did something. I don’t even know how to react. I know he probably won’t continue with the classes (it’s once a week for 6 months) but I can’t help but hope maybe he will keep going and he will change and HE WILL STOP BEATING ME.

What brought on his sudden willingness to change was the twilight zone chaos of the last 2 months. Just like everyone said he would, he indeed started beating me again. He also cheated on me, which is new. That’s never really been an issue for us but my Lucifer always has to find a new way to bring drama into our life. It’s funny how on every other subject I am a fairly intelligent, well rounded, smart decision making individual (I’m talking about now, not 4 years ago when I was addicted to meth, obviously). But I’m also one of those stupid women you hear about, the weak victim that lets herself be not only walked all over, but stomped on (literally) by one specific person.

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2 weeks ago, he beat me twice in the same week. The latter time, he was choking me and I don’t remember much except him quickly pulling back from me and starting to cry, saying “Oh my God, Ruby, I have to get help”, over and over.  He stopped hurting me right then, pulled out a laptop, and found a place that offered a BIPP. He called and set up an appointment for the following Thursday. He beat me twice more before Thursday came, then when it did, he said he couldn’t get off work in time and cancelled his appointment.

This past Saturday, he went out of control again. It’s amazing that I make him mad this frequently. On Saturday, he abused and degraded me for hours, the 5th beating in two weeks. You can’t even imagine how I look right now. My eyeball is hemorrhaging, it looks like something from a horror novel, my voice is completely gone from screaming, my back, neck, butt, legs, arms, even my feet are bruised all over, and there are lumps on the back on my head from being punched. There is no way anyone could glamorize domestic violence after seeing me from head to toe. I am no sexy Harley Quinn. I’m a crying, ugly, nobody.

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Lucifer cries after, and calls the same place to set up another appointment for this Thursday. I knew he was going to try to get out of it, and he did try a little. The last 15 minutes before he left to go there, he was mean and saying he couldn’t believe I was making him do this. Which is funny if you think about it because I can’t make him do anything, trust me I’ve tried. I told him, okay then don’t go, but he yells at me saying he knows I’ll be a bitch if he doesn’t go. Finally he leaves, sending me mean texts on his drive over there.

2.5 hours later he comes home. Of course, in my stupid head, I have this whole fantasy going that he will come in the door with flowers and tears in his eyes. He will hold me tenderly and say he is already beginning to feel different, he is beginning to see that this is wrong and that I have never deserved to be hurt.

That didn’t happen.

What did happen was this, he stomped in and immediately got in the bath. Once in the bath, he yelled at me why I wasn’t in there sitting and talking to him during his bath. So I go in and I tell him how proud of him I am that he is trying to get help. He tells me that actually, he learned that I need to change a lot of my behaviors. Wait, what? He tells me that yes, they mentioned him being accountable for his actions but what they repeated over and over is that I have to trust him for this to work and that I have to respect his boundaries.

I know both of those things are true. But really, that’s what he came home with? I have to change me, to not get beat?

Maybe they are playing into the abusers defensiveness to try to get them to be more receptive. Maybe those things were mentioned but Lucifer is just pretending to me that that is what the class was about. Maybe… it’s true? Maybe it’s my fault for not respecting him enough and for not trusting him.

Maybe he didn’t even really go to the class.

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