He put his hands on me again.
I know he didn’t mean it, he didn’t even really hurt me. He grabbed me by the throat and held it roughly, not enough to choke me but enough to keep me from moving. From his mouth he’s spewing, “You fucking bitch! I’ll kill you, you fucking bitch!”
My first instinct was to slam his beautiful face with my palm as hard as I could but I know, now, that fighting back just fans the flames. But, and this one is harder to control, so does crying. So I can’t let myself cry either. I freeze, and calmly say “Baby, stop you promised you wouldn’t.”
He lets go of my neck.
It has been almost a year since the last time he hurt me. We’ve only been back together for about 5 months. For a while, I fooled myself (again) into thinking it was all over. But soon enough I realized it’s just part of the cycle. I knew it was coming because I see the bad Lucifer looking back at me from his eyes a lot now.
You know how I know when the bad Lucifer is back? Because the bad Lucifer doesn’t believe the good Lucifer exists, but the good Lucifer knows and hates the bad Lucifer. When Lucifer starts telling me there is no other Lucifer, and that I sound crazy, I know He’s already here.
It’s scary sometimes, when you realize your love is gone and you’re sitting here with this monster who looks like your love and can remember all of his memories. But IT’S NOT HIM. It’s that other guy. The one who would spend our rent money on cocaine and only gets turned on after beating me to a pulp.
Then again, I see how hard it is to try when his urges are so much stronger than mine ever were.
I see Lucifer try to balance the line. He tries hard to stay on the good path but once he starts to swerve, he can’t regain his balance. He keeps swerving until he crashes. I can see he knows it’s happening too. It’s something about the Spring, I think. Lucifer only beats me when it’s beautiful outside. Once it gets cold and dark, he doesn’t want the drugs or the violence. When it’s warm and bright, he craves destruction. It’s so abrupt, like feeding Gizmo after midnight. Lucifer turns into a deranged gremlin when the sun shines.
Maybe we should move to Seattle?