Not An Addict Like Him

Addicts are a closed group.

To an addict, no clean person understands what they are going through. And really, they’re right. Except the ones who have been there.

So you would think, once you have been included in the closed group of addiction, the membership would be life long. No one could ever tell you, you don’t understand.

But that’s not really how it is. Once you have been clean so long, to current addicts, you don’t understand.

Lucifer said it to me just after I asked him to leave, when he started admitting he was doing coke regularly again. That I wouldn’t understand cause even though I was an addict, I wasn’t an addict “like him”. What he was trying to justify at the time was that he needed to be able to do it, and that he could handle doing it now occasionally, when he wanted (which means all the time), without it getting out of control (like it had every other time over 10 years).

Not an addict like him. Well, forgive me. It was only crystal meth. You know, that very non addictive substance I was smoking up like it was air for a few years. It was only cocaine, the same thing you are telling me I don’t understand.

You get clean, but you’re never really a part of the people who haven’t been through addiction. You take the shame with you, the yearning to do it again too, goes with you back into the real world without drugs. But then, after some time, you don’t fit in with the addicts anymore. You’re too clean. It’s like, because you made it, you must not have been as addicted.  Like your recovery wasn’t hard as fuck, and still is every day.

Like you’re not salivating while typing the words ‘crystal meth’ and ‘cocaine’ on your blog….

When I meet people, or even lately when I’ve tried to think about dating again, it’s like, how do I relate to anyone? I can’t date anyone on drugs obviously or I’ll end up doing them all but how could I ever truly relate to someone who never lived the life I had?

Better to just stay alone.

Maybe I’m my own little closed group now.

Ruby, party of 1.



2 Comments Add yours

  1. I can empathise with this. It’s very difficult to explain addiction to a partner if they’ve never experienced it… and even more difficult to not self destruct with a partner who has x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. listenspeakbkumasses says:

    Back and forth with meth over the past 20 years myself. I feel ya. You could date me, but I’m a chick too. How’s about we be blog buddies?

    Liked by 1 person

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