Abusive, Addicted, Beautiful Lucifer

“How often are you doing coke?”
“Not often. Only like, once or twice a week.”

So casual. Nonchalant.


I act like it doesn’t phase me.

Inside, half of me wants to shake him and scream “What Are You Doing!?!” And half of me wants to ask if he wants to do some with me right now.
I do neither, just continue smoking my cigarette. I’m a cool girl, after all.

“So, are you still getting counseling at that beaten woman place?”, he asks me.
“Yes. … Did you ever get into any kind of counseling to stop beating me?”
“Nah, I knew you were mad at me so I didn’t think there was a point.”

Four months ago I asked him to leave because he was beating me and coercing me into using drugs again. I really thought we would get into counseling and he’d be back within a couple weeks. That never happened.

About once a month he shows up desperate to see me, to work it out. He says he’s been miserable without me. I’m the only one for him, he’s so sorry. Everything I’ve been waiting to hear. Each time I hold out longer and longer. Each time I give in and eventually end up letting him come over or meeting him somewhere.


He’s definitely skinnier now and though he’s always so fucking beautiful, his skin is thinner and sunk in around his eyes.

I know he’s not going to change. Each time I see him, I know in the first ten minutes of talking that he is not serious. But usually, I have sex with him anyways if only because I need the comfort and I can’t get myself to do it with someone else yet.

I don’t however, do drugs with him. Much as I’d like to. Not worth the risk and definitely not worth it for him. It’s like, it took him picking drugs over me for me to hate drugs more than I love them. I’m jealous of the drugs, can you believe that? I’m jealous he is doing drugs and I’m jealous the drugs won over me. Fucking drugs.

Kind of funny how someone changes you. Me, the girl who loves sex, has had various partners, was once a cam girl, who’s family works in the strip club industry, whos current line of work assists the strip club industry,  who has guys hitting her up on the daily (it’s like, they sense when you’re single and vulnerable and come creeping from all sides), can’t even think about having sex with a new person right now.

Me, the cigarette smoking, meth addict, coke addict, stoner girl who says yes like a reflex, does anything to get high, surrounded by substance abuse in every part of my life, lost custody of her children due to drugs, is disgusted by the thought of using after he chose it over me.

Me. The strong woman, sister, friend, mother, daughter, aunt, worker, salesperson, leo, warrior, who quit meth cold turkey, gave birth naturally with no epidural, and also had a c-section, had a miscarriage, works two jobs, and has an autistic child, is so broken down and traumatized that I can’t stop loving my abuser and obsessively clinging to the memory of what we had and my dreams of the future. 

From what the counselors I have seen say, and the books say, and all the internet research says, how I feel is expected. Trauma bonding, narcissist (God I hate that word), stockholm syndrome, battered woman syndrome, sado-masochist, victim, ptsd, idiot, fight flight freeze, yea I get it. Whatever label you want to put on it, you’re probably right.


I wish he could come back again but I wish he would never come back at the same time. I know he’s bad, he’s dangerous, he corrupts. But I know I love him and in my heart, I’m his, even if I’m not. I know I can’t be with him, but that doesn’t mean my heart isn’t his.

Do the angels ever miss Lucifer? Do they cry knowing he chose to go bad, instead of being with them and God? Do they yearn to look at his beautiful face like I do?



2 Comments Add yours

  1. Smartygirl41 says:

    I don’t know that I’ve had to do anything harder than leave my abusive partner. It took 3 years after the break up for me to finally free myself from him, and that only happened because he met someone else and got her pregnant.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Mic Hael says:

    I am the wife of an iv drug user and I don’t really know what to do. I love this man,at one time this man loved me and I was his everything. Then the meth came into our lives and over 3 year spand this man who loved me so much i was his everything, almost killed me. He isnt my husband anymore i say my husband is dead and this person who occupies his body is a cheater liar an abuser and a thief. What do i do leave him alone. I have kicked him out i have kept him in jail and put him in a crisis center and all it has done is made it worse. I understand what that lady was talking about not seeing him letting him back in only to be hurt again. Do you give up or do risk everything and help them?


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.