“Still, I kept on smoking meth. It was crazy: The drug was what had caused all the problems, yet I turned to it to take away the pain. On the bad nights, I stayed up, talking to my mom on the phone, and aching from missing my baby.”
-an excerpt from http://www.parenting.com/article/moms-on-meth
We are all in the car the other day and my boyfriend is (jokingly) making fun of my 8 year old son for crying at night for his cousin/best friend.
My son is laughing saying no, he doesn’t cry at night for his cousin and my boyfriend says back to him “Well then, who do you cry for at night?”
My son replies, “Well, sometimes I cry for mom”.
The guilt feels like a punch to my gut and as much as I try to hide it, tears come to my eyes. My son sees this and quickly tells me “It’s okay Mom. I only cry sometimes cause I miss you”
This is just one of the many ways I am punished for my sins and I know I deserve every bit of the guilt I feel. My son cries for me at night because I tested positive for drugs in court and now they live with their father. My son cries for me at night because I chose to do crystal meth and cocaine. He doesn’t deserve to have to cry for his mom at night, he deserves a mother who never risked losing him for anything.
When I was using, I thought I had it all together and was doing it “properly”. I never smoke meth or snort coke around my kids, only when they are at school or once they are asleep in their own room. I budget for groceries before I budget for meth. I use the drugs as energy to clean my apartment, play outside with my kids, and get extra hours in at my job, not to party like ‘real drug addicts’. See how good I am? This was my mentality then.
What I’ve learned after quitting meth is that there was no set moment where I went too far with the drugs. When you are using, you think that you will be able to recognize the point of no return. You think, for example, if it came to choosing between the drugs or your kids, you’d give up the drugs. What we drug users don’t realize is that it is a slow, inevitable escalation into addiction, chaos, and loss. We don’t realize that no one is going to give us the choice to quit drugs or lose our kids. They just take our kids. And you, user, will never forgive yourself for it.
I hope some day I can tell my kids how truly sorry I am for what I have done to them, and to myself. They are too young now to really know the truth but one day they will be old enough and I am going to have to admit everything to them. I pray every night that they will forgive me when that time comes.
Image source: www.sobermommies.com