Today I would love to smoke some ice. I can imagine coating the bowl and watching it turn from a solid to a liquid to a gas for me to suck up. The craving I feel is carnal, almost sexual. The smoke is like a lover that holds me, caresses the most vulnerable parts of me. I want to light the bowl for my boyfriend and watch the smoke caress him too. Just like we used to do every day. The drugs never reject us or judge us, they exists only to give us pleasure and help us pleasure each other. I would even love to do coke right now, though if it comes to one or the other, I’m always a meth kind of girl.
I know I won’t do ice or coke again. That it is not even a question for me. The courts gave my children to my ex-husband because I was doing these drugs. In the beginning, I could only see them once a month and it had to be supervised. That was 2 years ago. Now, my ex and I split custody again, though he is the primary parent. I have my kids Tuesday and Thursday afternoons and every other weekend. I pay my child support religiously and I work at a good job. I have a house with enough space that everyone has a bedroom. I submit to a hair test every 3 months to prove my sobriety to a judge and my ex husband.
Now for the point of this post. I write about this internal struggle because I know many of you are in the same situation or know someone who is. Please don’t give up on your recovery. I was in true despair when my kids were taken from me, all because of my choices, and I thought there was no hope. I lost my home, my job, my car, my kids, my family and my dignity because of my choice to do drugs. Now I can see how much I’ve gained back by my choice to stop doing them.
I’ve been off hard drugs for a long time, and still, not a day goes by that I don’t want to do them again, even after all I have lost. But I won’t do them. If I do drugs again, I lose my children and my life again and I WILL NOT let that happen.
It all comes to this. I love ice. And I hate it. I know as much as anyone out there how wonderful ice feels and how viciously it destroys your life. Love/hate. Hate/Love.
But my kids, I only love them. Love/Love. And LOVE always wins.