Coke & Ice (A Love Story)

“Before, I’d be doing so much coke that every time I got out of the car, the crevice in the seat would just be full of white. I’d stick a straw down in there, and just go to town.”

This is the comment my boyfriend makes to me as we’re cleaning out his car the other day. Can’t really judge him. I’ve smoked meth that was green from being cut with Lysol. We drug addicts do some gross ass shit to get high.

These little references to our drug days are constant pieces of our every day conversation.

“Hey remember that time you smoked margarita salt thinking it was ice?”

“Hahaha, oh yeah. Good Times.”

When two addicts fall in love, they typically bring each other down. I met my boyfriend at the height of my crystal meth addiction. He was about as addicted to coke as anyone I’d ever seen. So what did we do? Fall in love and share our addictions with each other, of course.

Looking back on it now, I wonder how we didn’t see that we were destroying our life.

“Did you make any money today?”

“Yeah, I made $100. I went to the dopeman and I’m bringing us home a good sack since we’re out.”

“Oh, thank Heavens! I was getting worried we’d have none”

Didn’t matter that rent was due next week. Or that we had hardly any food in the house for the kids. Didn’t matter that we were going on 144 hours without sleep. Just make sure we have enough dope. And slowly but surely, we lost everything we had. Our apartment, my children, our families, our cars, almost everything we owned we destroyed by this was of thinking. Many times, because of our addictions, we almost lost each other.

In 7 days, I will be off meth and coke for 2 years. Unfortunately, my boyfriend didn’t make it that long. He relapsed back on coke last year. He went to rehab and is home now, trying with me to stay sober for as long as we can possibly stand it.

Drugs are still a part of our daily conversations and may always be. It’s what connected us to begin with and it’s our constant inside joke. Now we just have other conversations too. They may not be as entertaining —

“How much money did you make today?”

“$100. I put $10 in the gas tank and picked up some coffee creamer since we’re out.”

“Oh, thank Heavens! I was getting worried we’d have none”

but at least they are about working towards keeping our life together instead of tearing it all apart.


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3 Comments Add yours

  1. dbkerr says:

    Isn’t addiction in all its forms so horrible. Have you checked out NA? There’s no judgement, you read my story. I just know how AA saved me. But God, you had a hard time of it. I’m sorry for all the pain you have gone through. Take care of yourself


    1. Thank you for your comment and your story did touch me very much. I have not attended NA though there is a meeting right down the street from my house. Is it stupid to start going two years after you quit? Maybe I should try to get involved.


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